Dear Brad:
Why was I so anxious to get out there and start dating again? Seriously, after my experience last night I feel the need to offer a word of advice for you to pass along to your single male friends: Don’t talk about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend while on a date, especially a first date. And if you do happen to tell a story that means you have to bring her up in passing, keep it short. And whatever you do, do not ever speak about her or any other woman in derogatory and demeaning terms (such as “spoiled rotten bitch” or “trailer trash”.) Doing any or (God forbid) all of these things will guarantee you will not have a second date. If you need to talk about your ex, get a therapist or a dog. If you ever catch yourself saying, “I’m over and done with that,” you’re neither over or done. But on a positive note, I am gathering some great new material for my autobiography and memoirs. Throw in a couple of free dinners and a drink or two, and I can almost say it’s worth the bother of putting on makeup and ironing my clothes.
Betty
Dear Betty:
Better question, why date men//? I never would. tHey’re hairy and scratch their butts and all are pigs. I like your advice, but man, doesn’t that fall into the “DUH!” category? So I take it this guy was all about the ex? You’re right, short if at all, but bashing isn’t good either. You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats his Mother and talks about his ex. And I guarantee he wasn’t any prize either, or they wouldn’t be ex’s.
And I, of course, am an expert?!?!? That’s right, 0-for-1 at marriage and suddenly I’m weighing in on how/who to date. But I tell you this, I don’t even put on makeup anymore. “Take me or leave me” to the guys I date. And I still can’t find stockings long enough!
Brad
Dear Brad:
Yeah, they might be hairy and scratchy, but I still like men way better than women! You may not be an expert on relationships, but you are a single male, and I had to unload that thought on someone of your gender! Honestly, that date was sooo bad on multiple levels. I will admit, I did not play fair. As soon as I realized this was going to go nowhere fast, I started playing the princess. And, I also started contradicting every opinion he voiced (there were a lot of them), regardless of how I really feel. I was actually trying to get him to NOT be interested in me, so I wouldn’t have to go through the whole “I really don’t see this going anywhere” conversation. Did it work? Nope. He called last night. Looks like I have to have that conversation after all.
Betty
Dear Betty:
It’s okay, I’ll take one for the team, a team I’m embarrassed to be a part of some of the time. Women are challenging but generally in different ways. What a disappointment though. And a waste of an evening, hours out of your life that you’ll never get back.
Honestly though, why waste more time? It was abysmal, cut your princess losses and run!
I can just picture you espousing some opinion you didn’t believe (“actually I’m PRO-cancer!”) just to get him to run away, run far far away! Problem is, you failed to factor in one male-related truth and that’s why he called. Do you know what it is?
Brad
Brad,
Oh yeah… I forgot about that. Men like a challenge. Do you think I should have played the clingy needy card instead?
Betty
Betty,
Well, sort of. Yes, men like a challenge, so in that respect, he’ll want what he can’t have. But even if you’d played the clingy needy card, you must always remember that men have winkies. And when your winky talks you have no ability to listen to anything else, particularly not reason. He called because, no matter how annoying you may have felt you were, no matter how clingy you might be if he calls again, he wants some. Now, if he ever GOT some, that’s when rational thought (“Jesus, she’s clingy!” or “what an annoying, opinionated, argumentative beyotch – can’t believe she’s pro-cancer”) will start creeping in and altering his decision making process (or lack thereof). Having said that, he could totally write you off for those qualities, but at 2am w/six or seven drinks in him, he might still call.
We’re a stupid, stupid people Betty. Never forget that.
Pigs. All men are pigs.
Brad
Brad,
I know I’m easily entertained, but that one killed me. When I woke up this morning, I was still giggling at your accurate description of men and winkies. And, that also fits into the “duh” category. Women have known this about men for roughly 5000 years, and sometimes we’re guilty of the same actions (you don’t have to have a winky to give up rational thought).
We’ve had this discussion before, Brad. Men are dogs, not pigs. I’ve never thought pigs were cute.
Betty
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